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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.