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FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.