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You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
At least a stalker is there for you.