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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Never trust a skinny chef
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.