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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.