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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.