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It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!