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Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
I drink because people talk.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?