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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
I am the bestest at the English language...
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life