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Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
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