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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.