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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
More people should be at a loss for words.
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.