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How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.