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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.