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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
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I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.