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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
Marriage is for quitters
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.