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Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.