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I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers