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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
Do you really have to breath that much?
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.