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Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.