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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I can`t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women`s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…