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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.