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dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”