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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.