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Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.