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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman