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I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.