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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.