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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok