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I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
I fake my LOLs
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.