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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally