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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"............................... An often used phrase in a lot of my memories.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.