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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Mondays are middle finger approved
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.