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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.