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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
Keep calm and drink on.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.