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I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.