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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards