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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
What’s the answer to this question?
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.