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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.