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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
www.amish.com. How did this happen?
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
pudding... thats always a funny word
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her