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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what Iām talking about.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?