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why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.