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If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I’m going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.