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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
French people give me the crepes.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly