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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.