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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5