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I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.