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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I wouldn`t want lesbian parents. Not because I`m homophobic. I just don`t want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.