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Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.