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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.