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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?