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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
If you think my post are bad, you should see my choice in men.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.