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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.