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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.