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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!