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According to my nipples, summer is over
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?