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To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
hilarious
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.