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If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.