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One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
My favorite beer is the next one.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.