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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
May the bridges I burn light the way.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
How Big is Infinity?