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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...