Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!