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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.