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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.