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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
It was all so different before everything changed.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.