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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.