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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.