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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.