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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.