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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.