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Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
For once in my life, Iād like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.