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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.