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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.