Daily Silly Status

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.

I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that

Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah

I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were

Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."

They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media

Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.