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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
Party like you will never be invited to another!
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!