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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets