Daily Silly Status

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean

By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.

Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.

I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.

All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.

Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...

Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.

Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)

Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.

What did I get for Christmas? Fat...

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?