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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.