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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?