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Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”