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I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Don’t jump to confusions.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.