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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Own the day
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.