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The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.