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Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.