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Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.