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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.