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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.