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When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I was born at a very early age.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.