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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!