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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”