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Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"