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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
heyy lol
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.