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I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.