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Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.