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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"