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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.