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Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.