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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
This headache feels like dumb people
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.