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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
People: What a bunch of bastards!
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.