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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here