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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.