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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.