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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.