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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.