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When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.