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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"