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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever