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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.