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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.