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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.