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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Vodka is just amazing water.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
My cardio is shopping.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!