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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.