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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars