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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.