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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.