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Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.