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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.