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Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing