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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So Iām off to find a bar with a mirror.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.