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I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.