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Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.