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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"