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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"