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You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-