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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.