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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.