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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.