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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.