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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I just awesomed all over the place.
I dare you to spit on this status.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.