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What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but Iām still looking.
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!