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Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: Iām getting laid.....off.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
I have a black belt in leather
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.